Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Love's Worth.
When one is in love, one does many silly things. Things that sometimes make no sense at all to others. Things that usually ain't within one's will.
This happened once to a guy i knew, Wi. He was the kind of guy that had a personality that many would take advantage of, especially towards those he was fond of. He would always try his best to let them be happy, to have them smile carefreely. Many knew of this, and most took it for granted. But Wi didn't mind. To him, it doesn't matter. As long as he could bring a smile to their face or a laughter to their day, he was contented. No doubt that he often dreams of a perfect ending, but he was contented even when he knew that there wouldn't be.
Things were a little different when it happened between Wi and Jeong. Jeong was a girl from Wi's childhood. They've known each other for years and were close friends since then. But they lost contact eventually. Years after their separation, somehow they managed to find each other again. Wi was delighted to have found Jeong just as Jeong was to have found back Wi. They started catching up with each others' life and became closer than before. Soon, Wi found that he had fallen for Jeong. He would be so delighted just to hear Jeong's voice or even receiving Jeong's sms. Everyday since then, Wi's life was revolved around Jeong. Jeong's every smile and frown affected Wi's mood. It wasn't something that Wi could control, it just happens.
Jeong soon came to know about Wi's liking for her, but what Jeong wanted was different. All she wants is to be Wi's friend. So she decided to let Wi know of her intentions. When Wi gotten to know this, he was disappointed. But to Wi, it doesn't really matter what the outcome will be, he just wants to treat her good. To see her happy. It was all that matters, anything more would be a privilege. Jeong knew how he was like, but Jeong didn't want him to be this nice. At least, not to her. She'll always be telling Wi not to be so nice to her. "Be nice, but you don't have to go that extra mile," she'll say. To her, it is not worth to do extra things for her or be extra nice to her. But what Jeong doesn't know, to Wi, it is the least he can do for Jeong, to make her happy. He wants to do it because he knows, he will be happy when Jeong is. To Wi, Jeong's every smile brings a new beat to Wi's heart and her every laughter, brings new air to his lungs. That is how much Jeong is to Wi.
I asked Wi, "is this all worth it?" And I think he gave the most beautiful reply.
"In love, everything is worth."
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Fool's Love.
While chatting with Reicheru one late night, Hiiragi remembered a time when he did something that only a fool would have done for his love one.
Many years ago, when Hiiragi was still in his mid teens, he fell in love with Saiai. She was a cute petite girl from his class. He had been fond of her for many years, but was rejected during the first year when they met. Since then, they have became close friends. But this did not stop hiiragi from loving Saiai, the only difference was, Hiiragi only shown his love towards her indirectly. Whenever Saiai was upset or depressed, Hiiragi would be there by her side, comforting her and cheering her up. And whenever she needed help, he would try his best to help her.
Hiiragi continued his love for Saiai through the years without her knowing. He was not hoping that Saiai would accept him. He just wanted to see her happy. All those years, Hiiragi kept his feelings for Saiai deep in him. Once in a while, the urge of telling her all those feelings would rise. But the thought of risking this friendship with her, always, stopped him. Hiiragi did not want to lose her.
One day, Hiiragi came to know about Saiai's liking for one of the guys in their group, Raian. Since then, Saiai would always mention Raian within conversations with Hiiragi. Hiiragi then started to be closer friends with Raian, in hoping to find out more about him. That was when he found out that Raian was also fond of Saiai. But he also found out that Raian wasn't the kind that would say it out up front nor make the first move. Neither was Saiai. Knowing this and knowing that Saiai would be happy to be with the one who she liked, Hiiragi made up his mind to do something which he would hurt himself in return for her happiness. Hiiragi decided to get Raian to woo Saiai.
He started spending lots of time conveying how Saiai felt for him to him as well as conveying how much Raian liked her to her. Hiiragi also started to teach Raian of ways to win Saiai's heart, ways that he wanted to use. He was loving Saiai through Raian. Every happy moments they had together was hurtful to him. But he continued. He just wanted Saiai to be happy. Soon came valentine and this was also the day Hiiragi told Raian to ask Saiai to be his. Hiiragi totally had it planned out for them, the way he would want to spend his valentine with Saiai. From the gift to the packaging to the place to bring Saiai to for the day was suggested by Hiiragi, as he knows that those were things Saiai would have wanted. The day went on perfectly for both Raian and Saiai. Hiiragi spent that valentine alone. He was happy for Saiai as he knows she would be enjoying herself for the day. And that happiness was enough to cover the pain he went through.
Hiiragi decided that he should move on. As continuing being close to her may complicate things. But at the same time, he wanted to let Saiai know the reason why. He wrote her a letter, filled with his feelings for her but also, telling her that he will be leaving, and that it would be the best for the both of them. He sealed the rolled-up letter with a ring that he always wore, put it into his bag and cycled to her place. The skies were dark and wind was blowing as he cycled. Then it began to drizzle. As little drops of rain hits Hiiragi's face, tears began to roll down his cheeks. He arrived at Saiai's place, dropped the letter into her letterbox and went off. It was raining heavily by then, and Hiiragi was also crying by then, cycling, and crying, in the rain.
Monday, November 01, 2004
The End of One is usually the Beginning of Another.
The End of one Fairytale.
Usually, and most of the time, the pursue of most fairytales will end somehow. Hiiragi, has came to one of these endings one day. Something that he thought wouldn't happen, happened. The news of Joseiteki's marriage froze him like nitrogen.
"Hey, I've got something to tell you. I'm getting married" came as a message through sms.
"Oh. Congrats" he replied, after a 10mins froze upon reading the message.
Within moments after he replied, tears began to roll down his cheeks. He was happy for her, but he was also devastated. There is that selfish part of him still hoping that she will be with him eventually. But he knows now, it will never be. He sent her another message, "thanks for all the happy moments that you have brought into my life. They will be remembered and cherished always. My promise to you still stand and will always stand. If you ever need me at any point of time in your life for anything, let me know, and I'll be there to the best that I can for you." Hiiragi's emotion collapsed after sending that message to her. But he knows that she has made her choice. He can only hope that she'll be happy in whatever she does.
Then he thought to himself, it is time to move on in life. Nothing should and nothing will stop here. He has to go on. She wouldn't be happy to see him in this state either.
Hiiragi wasn't quite himself for the whole of that week. Though he knows what he has to do, his emotion is constantly pulling him back...
... dunno why... can't seem to continue the story... emotional set back again... story will continue another time...
... continued ...
It was a struggle between what he knows is right and what his emotion is telling him. He cried in the late hours of the night, between his sleep and whenever he tried to let it go. But he knows he has to... No matter how hard it has been, and how much harder it will be.