Thursday, December 22, 2005
Bit by Bit.
Change is never easy. Yet change is needed in all relationships to a certain extend so keep that "Love" in good shape. These changes are often unseen by the naked eyes, but felt by the heart.
Ekii was one who would keep every thought to himself. He believes in keeping all burdens to himself and giving only the best to his love. He will always hide his fears and worries, thinking that by doing this, his love would not have to worry. Yet, he did not know that by doing this, his love would feel useless, and that she is unable to help. Through Cheru, Ekii began to learn the importance of sharing and communicating with the people whom you hold dearly. It does not matter if she would be able to help, at least she would know what he is thinking and going through. On the other hand, Cheru was more of a "snapper" as she would snap at him for almost everything that he did wrong intentionally or unintentionally. She would frown and comment in frustration. Yet bit by bit, she changed in her attitude and although she still snaps at him, she would add some funny comments to cheer him up. This is a big change for Cheru as she would always leave him be after snapping at him. This is also an important change as Ekii was not the type that would snap back especially towards his love. Ekii felt the change and was delighted even though Cheru denies having done so.
It is wonderful to know that someone whom you love dearly is willing to change for you to make things better. And these changes will only be seen by the heart of those in love.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Forever's First Day.
"I've done it! I've touched her heart! She said yes!" Wi was shouting all these to me the moment I picked up his call. "Really? She agreed?" I exclaimed. "Yes! She said yes!" Wi replied. I was overjoyed. Finally, a fairytale that came true. I just had to get his account on the whole story. We met up at one of the local cafes that noon where he told me how it all happened.
It has been 10 months since Wi started his relentless pursue for Jeong's love. Through these months, Jeong had periodically told Wi that they are impossible and that all she wanted was to be friends. Wi, on the other hand, had also told Jeong that he just wanted to love her no matter the relationship between them, but deep down, he holds on to a small spark of hope that she will be touched, someday. Every now and then, he'll do special things just for Jeong, but each time, Jeong would tell Wi that if it was done to touch her heart, then it would be of no use. Wi was dejected whenever this happened yet each time he picked himself up and pursued on with more courage. He carried a hope that was struggling from being diminished. I asked him at this point why did he not give up or just let go. Yet he said, all he needed was to ask himself, was it all done just to be with her? Or, was it all done just to love her? It was clear that it was done out of pure love.
There were quarrels and disagreements every now and then, but things got rough on the month of Jeong's birthday. Wi had planned out a big surprise for Jeong on her birthday. He had planned for 27 mini envelopes, with bits and pieces of the content of the birthday card, to be given to her by 27 different people, each wishing her happy birthday. Also, 3 colored light sticks with words written on each of them to be given to her during different periods of the night, a new top that was to be bought and worn on the day itself without her knowing that it was a gift from him, and, her 2 best friends to be there with her in the celebration. He even bought a shirt with flowery prints that resembled one that her idol wore just for that day. Everything was carefully planned and things seem to be good initially. Jeong was very happy to have her new top as well as knowing that it was a gift from him. She even agreed to put on one side of the diamond ear stud that Wi gave to her, with Wi wearing the other. Then, when they were at the club, things start to flop. It was only the beginning of the envelope surprise when Jeong told Wi that if the surprise was for her birthday as a friend, she would be delighted, but it was part of his courting plans, it would be meaningless. Wi was disappointed. Plans did not go as planned and whole atmosphere turned lousy. After that night, Wi started to think if all these while, he was doing the right things.
Wi totally lost himself in thoughts. All he wanted was to see Jeong happy, but, why is she not happy? Why is she always pissed or irritated whenever he tries to do something special for her? Would she be happier if he did give up? Is that what she wanted? All these questions keep popping in his head. Then he ask Jeong on one occasion, "Jeong, all this while, did you have even the slightest feelings for me." "No." was Jeong's reply. "Are you happy when I'm doing things for you then?" Wi asked. "Yes, but only because I feel that it came from a friend." Jeong answered. Wi told Jeong as he began to tear that he will move on for her. Wi then did something terrible, he forced himself into a relationship with another girl, one who is already attached, despite knowing that she will leave Wi eventually. It was only a week before she told Wi that she chose to return to her boyfriend. Wi was totally lost at this moment. He did not know what he should do next or what exactly has he done. All he could think of was Jeong. He hated and regretted that he would even decide to choose this path. He cried the whole of that night not knowing what to do.
A few days past after the incident, and Wi met up with Jeong. Jeong began pouring out her thoughts and feelings to Wi. Jeong told Wi that she is lost and confused during those weeks without him. She did not know if it was because she got so used to having him around her or that she felt something for Wi. Then Wi ask her why not give them a chance to try, but Jeong replied that she did not want to get into another relationship and out of it again. She had lost her confidence in relationships. Wi then said that it would not be fair to just rule out the possibility of a lasting fairytale just because of a failure in a previous relationship. What if they were meant to be? "If you don't even try, there will be no chance that happiness will occur." Wi said.
As the night went by, voice paired with silence. Thoughts were expressed and emotions were released. It was only the break of dawn when Jeong turned to Wi and said, "I'll consider this relationship." "Really?" Wi could not believe what he was hearing. Never had Jeong ever said that she will consider them as an item. He was overwhelmed with joy. Never had he thought that he will really have a chance to be with her. I felt happy for him too when i heard this. Then he continued by saying, "and she agreed today! I still can't believe this! She said ok we'll try! Tell me I'm not dreaming! Tell me!" I've never seen him this happy before. He was practically drowning in his own happiness.
Then I came to a conclusion. Fairytales? They do exist, but only if you tried your best in making it happen. Love is wonderful, only if she is romanced all the time. May everyone find their fairytale, and their happily ever after.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Heart.
There is one mysterious companion that i have, who is capable of controlling one's life and death, and somehow, able to influence one's emotions and thoughts too. Her name is Heart and she has been with me from the day I was born.
Her every breath brings life to me and her every thought affects me deeply. She will always have the last say on things whether I like it or not, yet I've never blamed her. Cause I know, everything that she had done were based on true feelings that I've confined in her. Whenever I'm uncertain of which path to take in life, she is always there to advice and decide. Even in times when it hurts, she is there never giving me up, till her last breath.
She is extremely patient with me when it comes to love. She will always tell me to hold on, even for just that one second more. "Never let your feelings go if you don't want to." These are her words. "Pursue all that is dear to you even if it hurts me." She feels every pain I feel and tears each time I'm hurt. And now, there is someone that I've fallen for. Heart knows about her too. A girl named Rei.
On many occasions, Rei brought laughter and smiles to me yet there were also times when she totally crashes my feelings. Heart is always there. She teared for me each time. Yet, she will always tell me to hold on. "I know your feelings and I know you'll collapse if you don't. I'll go through this with you. I promise." "Do all that you can and it will be worth it, what ever the outcome will be." "Thanks." I said to her. She smiled and replied, "Silly, I'm always here to listen to you."
Friday, May 06, 2005
Distance. Faith. Fade.
It has been awhile since I've talked to Hiiragi. He seems to have changed. More tired and haggard than before. Many unfortunate events have happened since I last saw him. Events that kept me from thinking and writing, but, I believe that the path will be lucid once the fog clears.
Hiiragi soon began to share yet another of his love account. This time, it was a fairytale of distance and faith.
During his teenage years, when the cyber world was beginning to boom, Hiiragi got to know Heiwa. It was quite a fad back then to know more people through the net, and Hiiragi was no exception. It was also through one of these chat rooms did he find her. It started out in casual chats with the intention of having fun. Little did Hiiragi know it would become part of his love life. Each time they chatted cyberly, their feelings deepened. It was only a matter of time before they would exchange phone numbers. And they did. They continued their romance over the phone and with the freedom of expressing their feelings through voice, their love intensified. Soon, they were planning of meeting up. This was when their relationship hit the rocks.
They had decided to meet at a shopping arcade near the causeway as Heiwa wasn't local. She told Hiiragi that she would give him a call once she has crossed the causeway. So Hiiragi waited at home, patiently and yet impatiently. He was all dressed up for this very first meeting. Shaved, clothes pressed, shoes shined, hair styled, body cologned and feeling excited. But his spirits was dampened as hours and hours passed. 4 hours have passed and still not a sound from his beeper. He became worried and disappointed. Did something happened to her? Or was it all just an illusion? His mind was filled with unanswerable questions. Then it came. "BEEP!", a message came through his beeper. Before he could read the first, "BEEP!" came the second. Another 2 messages came through momentarily. He read them frantically, but was dumbfounded upon reading it. 'I've crossed the causeway, and I'm so excited!', 'I'm at the shopping arcade, where are you?', 'Are you avoiding me? Where are you?', 'Hey, I'm on my way back. Why didn't you appear or reply me?'. These were the messages he received. Hiiragi called Heiwa straight away to explain what had happened. Why did the messages only arrived after 4 hours? Neither of them knew. Dispite the incident, they continued their romance and to meet up again soon. Yet again, something happened. This time, they were supposed to meet at the airport before Heiwa flew overseas for her studies, but, just hours before Hiiragi was leaving home, Heiwa called. She was crying when she told Hiiragi that she was already in Melbourne. Her dad had changed her flight to an earlier time without informing her and she had to rush to the airport. She further explained that she didn't have to the time to inform Hiiragi till only when she was off the plane. Hiiragi was bowled over. He didn't know what to say or what to think. Was it all just a coincidence? Then, something in his heart told him to believe and have faith. "Heiwa, we will meet up, someday. Dry your tears now. If fate wants us to go through all these before we can finally be together, so be it." Heiwa replied, "Thanks Hiiragi."
They continued their distant love through phone calls. It was really a hard time for the both of them. Many occasions, their love was cliff hung. There were times when they held strong yet also periods when love faded. Their love survived for a long period of time and distance, but, in the end, Hiiragi surrendered. He was too tired in holding on to something so dear yet so vague. Or maybe, he just did not want to hold on anymore. Heiwa was devastated and disappointed upon knowing this. Yet till this day, she has never blamed him in anyway. "Why?", I asked. Hiiragi smiled and said, "In love, there's no blame."
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Love. Joy or Hurt?
Thinking back of the events that happened in the pass year, Hiiragi recalled one that left a scar in his heart. It was Taki's 21st birthday and Hiiragi was invited to a ktv party along with the rest of Taki's close friends. Taki was the younger sister of one of Hiiragi's best friends, Yuuga. Hiiragi got to know Taki at a workshop session that Yuuga invited him to. Since then, Hiiragi and Taki clicked like no other. It felt like they have known each other even before seeing each other. It had been almost a year since they have known each other, and many things have happened along the way. Taki had been attached for about a month before her birthday. Hiiragi was aware of this and was also saddened because of it, but it was her big day and he did not wanna spoil it. That was why he was there at the party, even though he knew Taki's boyfriend would be there too. Everyone arrived at the party in the early glimpse of sunset. Everyone except Taki's boyfriend. "Your boyfriend not coming?", Hiiragi asked. "Erm, he'll be here later." Taki answered. They proceeded into the ktv room and Taki's friends starting singing. Everyone were enjoying at the party and Hiiragi was glad to see that Taki was happy as well. Hiiragi then told Taki to follow him out for just a while. It was only then did Hiiragi revealed his gift while he sang her a birthday song. "Happy Birthday Taki," Hiiragi said as he passed Taki the gift. "Thanks Hiiragi," Taki replied. Hiiragi's eyes watered as he continued, "I'll be leaving when he comes, it's your big day, don't wanna ruin it. Sorry." "Please stay till the cake is cut, ok? Please?" requested Taki. "... For you...", forcing his tears to stop before continuing, "just for you..." "Thanks." Taki replied softly.
They went back to the ktv room and joined in the rest in singing. Laughters and giggles filled the place. Hiiragi had tried his best not to spoil the mood. Even when Taki's boyfriend arrived, Hiiragi tired to keep his emotions to himself. He know he should be happy that Taki has found someone to love her, but seeing them close to each other pricks his heart. Hiiragi felt terrible. He felt his eyes watering but he know that he cannot tear. No, not there, not then. Everything seem to start blurring out as thoughts and feelings mixed.
Hiiragi was awakened from his daze when everyone starting singing the birthday song. Following was the cutting of the birthday cake and taking of pictures. "Hey Taki, I have to make a move. Happy birthday. Be happy ok?", said Hiiragi before waving everyone good bye. "I'll walk you out..." Taki said as she caught up with the hurriedly leaving Hiiragi. Hiiragi continued walking to the exit before he turned around, "go back to the party, its your big day..." At this moment, his eyes were already uncontrollably filling with tears. "Hiiragi... I'm sorry, I'm so..." Taki apologised. "Its ok, I'll be fine... Smile ya? Don't look sad on this day... I'll call you again. Go enjoy yourself." Added Hiiragi. Taki walked back in, Hiiragi turned and walked out of the building. Tears began rolling down Hiiragi's cheeks as he ran, aimlessly. It was only after he was out of the building's sight did he finally stopped, collapsing to the ground. He turned towards the moon and whispered, "Taki, may happiness be by your side, always..."
Monday, February 14, 2005
Where is the love?
~~~~~~
sound of phone ringing"ya?" Hiiragi answered. "Hey, where're you?" Hikari asked. "Home" replied Hiiragi. "I see. Hey, ask you something, what should a girl get for a guy for valentine? I'm totally lost" Hikari continued. "Not sure" said Hiiragi. "Oh, if I'm getting him a ear stud where would be better?" Hikari asked, and the conversation went on on where to get cheaper ones and better ones and such. But none of these were what went through Hiiragi's mind. It was once again the time of the year when couples celebrate their love for one another, when lovers whispers sweet nothings to the other and when resturants make money from silly guys who've made reservations, hoping of giving his love one a romantic dinner. These used to be things that Hiiragi dreamed of. Things that he hope could be part of his life on this special day of the year. But as years passed, his desire of such had reached a point where he has started to hate such a day. Valentine's day. Every year, Hiiragi would spend this day home, alone, and this year was no different. Hiiragi thought, why is he always feeling lonely on this day, and especially lonely only on this day. Is he missing out something in life that made him felt this way? Hiiragi would question himself each year, and each year he will dream of the things that he would be doing if he had a lover on this day. How romantic things will be. Putting in that special effort to look especially good. Putting on that special fragrance that he always loved. Getting that special gift. Giving that gift that special personal touch. Meeting her at that special place. Exchanging gifts will that special kiss. And enjoying every moment spent on that special day. None of these ever happened, and sometimes he wonder, would it ever happen. What will he be doing on this day of the following year? Hope that his dream will come true. Hiiragi, and to all of you who visits this blog, Happy Day of Love, Happy Valentine.
Monday, January 10, 2005
For Love or Stupidity?
It was Jin's 21st birthday when it all happened. Everything happened as if it was just some cheap drama production from some ulu local studio. Till today, Jin is still uncertain if what he did was right. But he told me, that even if it happened again, even if he had the chance to choose again, it will still be the same choice.
This was what he told me, things that took place on a day where many would want to have wonderful memories of.
On the eve of Jin's 21st birthday, Jin was together with he's most loved, Ada. They were out on a simple celebration, just the two of them on a bicycle with no one else. Jin always like things simple. Big celebrations with lots of friends and relatives was not of his liking, whereas, having spent that special day with that special someone would bring much more meaning to him. After dinner at a nearby food centre and a scroll by the beach, Jin and Ada decided to head home.
Jin usually would stay over at Ada's place during weekends, and that day was no exception. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1, happy birthday Jin!" Ada wished Jin happy birthday at the struck of twelve and gave him a kiss on the lips. And soon after that a voice was heard from the void deck. "Ada! Ada!" Ada's name was called again and again by a voice unfamiliar to him. Jin turned to Ada and ask her if he was one of her friends, but Ada responded frantically to ignore him and that she does not know who he is. "Ada! I know you're up there!" Jin gave Ada a cold stare, one that could freeze the sun if it was any colder. Ada then confessed that he was her boyfriend, and that they got together six months ago. Jin was devastated. Never did he think that Ada would do such a thing, especially when they have been together for more than two years. Jin asked Ada after a few moments of silence, "do you love me? or do you love him?" Ada replied, "I love you, I was together with him because I was lonely... because you were in the army and only had weekends for me." "You were lonely. So you went to another guy? Then what about me? I only had my weekends to be with you too. Have you ever spare me a thought?", Jin answered. "Ok, you said you still love me, I'll trust you one last time. We'll go down and tell him your choice."
They made their way to the void deck. They saw Dei along with 2 other guys waiting. The moment Dei saw them, he commanded Ada to go over to him. Jin tried to follow but was halted by the other two guys. Before anything could be said or done, Dei slapped Ada. "I've treated you good and this is how you repay me? You two timing bit*h!" Agitated, Jin tried to move forward again, but again, he was forcefully stopped. "Say whatever you wanna say but don't you use force on her!", Jin exclaimed. Dei uncovered a pocket knife and pointed in Jin's direction, "Shut the fu"k up! I'll tell you when it is your turn to speak!" Jin remained as calm as he could, he did not want the situation to turn more sour than it already had been. "When did this started? How long have you been together?", demanded Dei. "2 1/2 years ago, before you.", Ada replied. "What?!", exclaimed Dei. A few moments of silence followed before Dei finally saying, "I do not care whether you were with me or with him. Leave him now and I'll treat that nothing of this ever happened." Ada replied hastily, "No, I won't leave him. It is Jin I love." Dei turned and shouted to Jin, "If you want her, pay me back whatever I've spent on her!" Instantaneously Jin replied, "How much?" "A thousand dollars!", Dei exclaimed and without considering, Jin said, "I'll pay you." Dei was shocked by the way Jin reacted. Jin did not showed the slightest fear in his eyes. Dei hesitated, "No. I changed my mind. If you want to be with her, for each time i see you, you are to be beaten up." "Be it then", replied Jin. "So you think you're fu*king brave?!", Dei added. "I'm just agreeing to your conditions. If those are the only ways you'll let Ada go, be it.", answered Jin. Dei turned towards Ada, "No! I will not let you leave me. I love you too much to let you go. If you wanna leave me, I'll... I'll jump from the top floor of this building!" "Don't be crazy! I can't be with you, I don't love you! I love jin!", Ada replied. "What is there in him that I don't have? Why is he better?", exclaimed Dei. "Everything." Nothing else came from Dei for at least the next ten minutes. "No. No! You leave him this moment! I'll treat it that he doesn't exist.", said Dei. "I will not leave him! Don't you understand?! Why do yo...u...", Ada added but was interrupted by Jin's action. Without anyone anticipating it, Jin kneeled to Dei. "Just let her go. Please.", Jin begged. "Jin..." were the only words that came from Ada. Dei replied, "Beg all you want. I won't reside to your plead."
Things went on till almost the break of dawn. Arguements, and reasonings of no reasons were a common during it. Ada wanted to be with Jin but at the same time, she is afraid of what Dei would do if she did. Dei was not gonna give in. He just wanted pride. And for Jin he was doing all he could for his loved one, and, also to see what was his worth in Ada's heart. Jin just needed an answer from Ada, "Ada, just say who do you want to be with. Him? Or me? Just say it. I'll shoulder what ever will come if its me and I'll just leave if its him. It is that simple." Ada turned her eyes away from Jin and replied, "H..him." "Ok...ok...Its your choice, I'll respect it.", Jin wiped of his tears before continuing, "Ada, please kindly open the door and let me take my things. Thank you." Jin packed all his belongings into his bag and as he was leaving, he turned to Ada and said, "Take good care of yourself. Hope that he really loves you. This will be my last goodbye."
Jin walked off and told himself, not to look back.